Monthly Archives: February 2014

#9 Favorite Feeling

21 Friday Feb 2014

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What’s your favorite feeling? 

I love that mixer question.

I’ve heard all sorts of answers.  Just recently I asked it to my friends during coffee fellowship:  Anna said, feeling loved.  Elly said, I love the feeling I get when I know someone understands me.  Elizabeth said the feeling of being in a church where people know her.  I remember seven years ago asking this question to a group of women and some of the responses I received still float around in my head:  I love the feeling I get when being piled in bed with all my children and reading to them.  And another, I love the feeling I get every night when my head hits the pillow.  Funny that I seem to remember things having to do with sleep.

So what’s my favorite feeling?  Acceptance.

I love it so much I actually made it a personal doctrine for all time — the doctrine of acceptance.  Perhaps a close kin to the doctrine of adoption, but I personally like my term better.  And of course the antithesis of my favorite feeling is feeling rejected.  Just writing that brings me to a place where my emotional quotient is plummeting at a rapid speed.
So back to acceptance.  Aahh.  That’s better.

I love being included.   And, while this acceptance thing is truly a lovely feeling – what bothers me is that it is predicated on other humans to produce the feeling within me.  And I’m not so crazy about having my emotional well being dependent on others.  So its an issue for me—a strong one.

For example — recently I wrote an e-mail to someone – someone who I often allow their silence to unnerve me and bring me to thoughts that produce insecurity within me.  And sure enough – I woke the next morning and remembered – huh, they didn’t respond to that e-mail I wrote – the one where I was vulnerable – in a clever sort of way – but disagreeing with them in a bold sort of way – but it was good-spirited  — in a funny sort of way.  I thought it was funny.   Apparently they didn’t.

So there goes my favorite feeling – with one little non-response – my EQ (emotional quotient) has tanked.

Why? Why? Why?

Didn’t I read and even teach on Ed Welch’s book:  When People are Big and God is Small?  Didn’t I already do a whole devotional talk on the doctrine of acceptance? Years ago!?  Isn’t my husband’s favorite book Love is a Choice – the one he mentions to me every day of our lives – the one where he wants me to do the Love is a Choice Workbook this year?

Yes, yes and yes.

So WHY do I allow others to affect me so quickly?  I think Tom would say, because I’m co-dependent.

But here’s what I would say: I have taken my eyes off of Jesus and put them on humans.  I am saying in essence, without really verbalizing it:  Thanks for loving me God, but you really aren’t sufficient for sustaining my emotional well being – because I often allow someone that I don’t even have a close relationship with – someone who probably didn’t mean anything by the silence  – to have this kind of effect on me.

And that’s a problem. 

So what am I going to do about it?

Reread Ed Welch because I apparently didn’t get it the first time?

Finally understand why Tom likes the book Love is a Choice so much and seems to think every client he has is now growing by leaps and bounds because they are reading it?  [btw, I read it last year and it didn’t rock my world like it did my husband’s].

I think the solution could contain portions of all of that – but I think even more essential to climbing out of the feeling-rejected-pit is multifaceted – and the first facet is to throw myself on the mercy of God and repent.

Then, figure out how to find my identity in Christ.  You know, some doctrines and teachings in scripture are just not very black and white to my soul – and it truly takes some sort of life-long-figuring-out.

So, how do I actually “figure out” finding my identity in Christ?  Truly.  Completely.  Forever.

For starters and daily reminders these beautiful truths do help…

knowing that …

… while I was yet a sinner Christ died for me.

… he rescued me because he delighted in me

…. he has placed me as a seal on his heart.

… I am in the palm of his hand and no one can snatch me from those hands.

… while Jesus was on the cross my sins were being covered – even this recurring and wretched sin of caring too much about what others may think of me.

Surely these truths are essential in helping with the feelings of rejection – but even more importantly I think they aid greatly in our spiritual growth and maturity…

But, if I believed this was really a wretched sin – why do I keep allowing it to have a hold on me?  And, who will save me from this recurring problem?  It really isn’t enough to just know what I am to do – because still I don’t do it.

“But thanks be to God, through Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 7:25)

You see?!  This is the answer—Jesus—and while the answer is simple, letting it permeate your being has not been easy for me.  I am constantly having to learn how to live in this story of finding my identity in Christ.  Perhaps when I see him face to face this wretched condition that I am prone to will no longer be an issue.  But until then I am liable to struggle.

Oh to live in the knowledge that he CHOSE me – and he accepted me before the foundation of the world!  Remembering that he is rejoicing over me WITH SINGING!  It’s time sing back!

#8 Why I believe God is True …

14 Friday Feb 2014

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Why do I believe God is true?

                  … because I talked to him this morning. 

Now if that doesn’t make you giggle to yourself or smile – I don’t know what would.  It truly is making me smile.

I heard that from Steve Brown in a seminary class in the summer of ’97.  Sounds romantic, doesn’t it?  It wasn’t it – it was wild—in a fabulous sort of way.  Steve is the kind of professor who lets auditors take over the class with all kinds of personal sharing time – never mind the questions.  And then he’ll also take a smoking break every hour – which I always loved – yes, at the time I was smoking too.   But Steve – no one called him Doctor either – is a breed all his own – and this little quip:  “But how do you know He’s real? … cuz I talked to him this morning” is from him.  I stole it.  He steals everyone’s stuff – so all’s fair in love and thievery, eh?  I stole it because I love it and it indeed resonates with my soul.

Every morning – ok most mornings – I simply talk to God – write him actually – I just don’t think I could sustain a conversation for over a minute if I didn’t write it out.  That ADHD diagnosis that everyone has in this generation—we had it too—in the sixties.   Just undiagnosed and chalked up to “needs to develop self control” on a report card.

But here’s the thing—I think—I know he’s true (of if you prefer, ‘real’) because he has revealed himself to me – time and time again.  Surely many passages in the Bible would also back me up – I should indeed try to find some and list them all one day.

But, I don’t have to go far to find his presence – he found me in the middle of the smallest town (or one of them) in Pennsylvania at the age of 21 or 22 (it was a year long process).  He found my friend Meghan in Italy, of all places! We recently shared our rescue stories over caribou coffee.

Remembering that time—in Pennsylvania—this verse rings true – Where can I go from your spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? … If I make my bed in the depths you are there.

He indeed was there—even though it took me a while to realize it.

And to realize that “He rescued me because he delighted in me.”  Now that’s tombstone worthy.  Feeling and experiencing that kind of rescue and grace and love – yeah, it’s real all right.

Steve also said this in that class — which was called Communicating to Post Moderns —“yeah, but don’t you wish it were true?”  He said we need to be representing the gospel of Christ in such a way that even if people couldn’t believe it and didn’t resonate with them in that moment, they should come away from the conversation actually wishing it were true.  Ah, that too has always stuck with me – because that is indeed the kind of rescue that took place in my own soul.  I wished he were true – I realized the joy I had lost out on—because I chose to go my own path—which led to a very miserable life.

So, that’s only one of the reasons why I believe God is True and Real … cuz I just finished talking to him a moment ago.  Perhaps more reasons will follow, but for now, I want to close this post with something from Tim Keller that I just love:

“During a dark time in her life, a woman in my congregation complained that she had prayed over and over, ‘God help me find you’ but had gotten nowhere.  A Christian friend suggested to her that she might change her prayer to, ‘God come and find me. After all you are the Good Shepherd who goes looking for the lost sheep.’  She concluded when she was recounting this to me, ‘The Endthe only reason I can tell you this story is – he did.’” (Reason for God, p. 251)

#7 Mind over Matter

12 Wednesday Feb 2014

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mindmapOne of my seminary professors (Dr. Richard Pratt) said “if I can’t draw a picture of it in my head, I don’t teach it.”  This was after I asked him the question:  How do you teach in such a way that I actually retain what you are teaching?  I was amazed at his teaching style – a style that sticks in my brain – even years after taking his classes.

I usually can’t remember what I’ve read two paragraphs later.  Hence as a result of that conversation with Richard (he hated being called Dr. Pratt), I began to make “mind maps” in my classes to study by.  He truly helped me to see that it was indeed easier for me to learn and retain information in picture (or chart!) form.  He also made me aware of the need for categories (or pegs if you will) in my brain so as to hang all this information on.  Why didn’t someone tell me this in the first grade?  I think learning could have been a bit easier!

Now if I may take Pratt’s wisdom a step further  – my own personal, feminine spin, which no one really had to teach me:  If I don’t experience it – I don’t learn it – and hence don’t try to teach it to others either. This is especially valuable wisdom for me this week – as we begin to wrap up Relationships class – topic being “Our Relationship with God.” You see, it seems that I have to feel every single thing if i want to retain it, or speak or teach on it.  And not only just “taste” it for myself but also put a “real life story” with it.  Then, and only then, do I seem to remember anything.

This learning thing has been a quest of mine for years — to figure out how people — especially a woman in a predominately male setting — who’s never been adept at reading comprehension — which all started in first grade – retain what is being taught.

So for me personally, through Pratt’s wisdom especially, I’ve discovered learning techniques that work – perhaps they are unique to me – or to the female population but there has to be some measure of experiencing, feeling, and doing in order to capture it in my mind.  “Just try it on” – remember that line from the movie Spanglish?!  Totally out of context but truly is in my brain to stay.

And just to further my defense of this style of learning — listen to this:

Theology is the science of living blessedly.

I heard that over a year ago – and wow – I was all ready to coin it until I found out it had been coined in the 16th century.  But what an aha moment!  Theology is meant to teach us how to live blessedly forever – ah – I’m having a moment all my own just writing that – but really — if this is the case – wouldn’t it be great if we were all on a quest to be the best theologians ever? Just by learning to live blessedly? – I am actually in a contest with Thom Watson to see who can enjoy God the most – we both want that distinction when we finally see Jesus face to face —not quite sure how we are going to decide the winner however – But – this living blessedly notion is why we study and retain theology.  Take every glorious thought captive and live well!

# 6 Live Expectantly

11 Tuesday Feb 2014

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So!

In light of yesterday’s post, and if I could actually reach the entire world with a message, today, I think it would be this:

R-A-I-S-E your expectations …

of God.

Not your spouse or family or friends or the person in the other car that just cut you off, but of the only One who can actually handle your expectations.

Here’s the thing – I think – some of us like to fly under God’s radar because we think if he sees us–or takes notice–he is liable to want to inflict a Job-like affliction on us – or possibly WillandColeneNorton(forWeb)ask us to go to some third world country – live in a hut with a dirt floor and eat worms to stay nourished.  I personally know of only a couple of couples that did something similar (the Nortons & Longs) and from what I know of them, they wouldn’t trade their time in Africa for all the money in America.  I think it’s safe to say we’re probably safe from that lifestyle – that is – if we really want to be safe.

But here’s what i think — I think it would be most beneficial if we lived expectantly in light of who God truly is: Powerful.  Abundant.  Lavish.  Good.  Merciful.  All loving.  What if we woke every morning remembering his character traits?  And like William Carey adopted the motto: Expect great things from God … do great things for God.  And I just love Dr. Norton’s life verse, which is “through God we shall do valiantly, for he it is who will tread down our adversaries!”  Fabulous life verse.

I mean really!

After all, it was Jesus who said, “I have come to give life and give it to the fullest.”  Can you remember the last time you were living life to the fullest?  I hope something recent can pop into your head.  Because a life lived to the fullest is living expectantly.  It’s not my job – or yours – to define how that looks – it could be serving lunch to 220 people – which I will be doing in four short hours – it could be changing your baby’s diaper many times today – which I’m sure Lauren & Cristina & Jenni will be doing today—and tomorrow—and next week.  See it’s really not what you are doing – it’s under who’s watch are you doing it?  And when you have an audience of One – and are doing all things for His glory – oh my – he can truly put the extra – in an ordinary day – can I just tell you – this is thrilling my soul to even think about it.  So quit whining and start asking our lavish and abundant God such things like: “How is it you’d like me to live this day?”  or “What can I do to advance your kingdom?”  or “Who are you calling me to today?”  (For my young friends the answer to that is probably William, Weldon & Amos.)  It’s not magical but it is miraculous – and when we are practicing His nearness – you just never know what He’s going to do.

Finally my sisters – and brothers – remembering a few things like Hebrews 13:5 and 1 Corinthians 2:9 will help you see, “He may not be safe but he’s good.”  Live Expectantly.

#4 Pleasurable Moments

08 Saturday Feb 2014

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When I run, I feel His pleasure.  
Not!

I hate to exercise—even walking. Ugh.  I walked enough as a child.

I really should watch that movie—Chariots of Fire—I tried once for about 5 minutes—it truly is time – especially now – because I want to put my own spin on that famous line.

Tom and I are in our fifth week of teaching a six week Sunday School class on Relationships and I must say it’s been pleasurable – that one hour on Sunday morning – the prep time is often agonizing − but there is this thing that seems to take over after about five minutes of speaking.  It doesn’t happen immediately – but it comes – not always – but mostly – and it is indeed pleasurable.

 A Christian hedonist – that is indeed what I’ve become.

So, of course it had me thinking of my own top ten “feeling God’s pleasure moments”  – and after reflecting on the topic for two days now, here’s what I’ve come up with:

1. I feel His pleasure in the morning.  Often I love to begin my God-Time with music. For some time now Adagio for Strings is the first thing I play (of course on my laptop, not the piano).

2.  I feel His pleasure when my husband sings along with XM Radio’s Love Station – as we are somewhere on an interstate heading home.

3.  I feel His pleasure at Brookstone Camp. There is nothing in Charlotte that is better for my soul than Brookstone School.

4. I feel His pleasure when I am reading a good, soul-warming novel by Francine Rivers (my favorites are Redeeming Love and Mark of the Lion).  Weird how it can be pleasurable in some measure even while weeping uncontrollably.

5. I feel His pleasure when I am with my young, life group every week over lunch.  They don’t even seem to mind when I “go to preaching.”

6. I feel His pleasure when I am talking to a woman about coming to seminary.  Funny how the topic of seminary often gets neglected.

7. I feel His pleasure at my mom’s resort home in the mountains – with my mom – on the porch – looking at the creek – reflecting on His goodness.  Or playing games around the kitchen table with family – or watching Pride and Prejudice for the umpteenth time.

8. I feel His pleasure at the Walk to Emmaus.  It’s been over eight years since I’ve last participated in a “Walk” but I can still feel the pleasure of those sacred moments – that late night on the porch—in God’s presence—with my sacred moment friend Carolyn.  Truly a moment that has lasted a life time in my soul.

9. I feel His pleasure when I share Him with others.

I close with this most pleasurable thought from Catherine of Genoa:

“If God provided so many delightful things for me, the Body, think of what he may have in store for you, the immortal Soul!”

#3 More … Practicing and Perfecting

05 Wednesday Feb 2014

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If I may continue …

with the theme from yesterday …

practicing and perfecting

and clear one thing up before continuing …

I still hate perfectionism.

And perhaps I look at this whole practicing and perfecting thing like this:

I want to finish well—to go to my grave content—even if that day is tomorrow—realizing that contentedness will come as a result of abiding in Christ.  So, that is my quest, goal, desire and purpose – to abide in Christ well.

It’s life long – requires practice – diligence and a host of things such as those found in 2 Peter 1:  first faith, then goodness, knowledge, self control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness and love.

Can I just tell you how hard it is to add those qualities to your faith without the divine power of Jesus?  More like impossible – for me anyway.  But here’s the payoff:  participation in the divine nature (2 Peter 1:4).  Quite the payoff, eh?

In the words of Bruce Demarest – “Grace we must learn is opposed to earning not effort.”

Now that may seem natural to the rest of the world – but this is the stuff I seem to be learning more of in the past decade than in the previous four decades.  And still I am trying to get a handle on it.  It is indeed the tension I live in every day – living AND growing in grace.   Much of this tension goes against my natural tendencies – those tendencies that I love to blame on Adam – yes, I said Adam, not Eve (see 1 Corinthians 15:22 to agree with me and Paul).

I close in the words of one of my favorite theologians, Michael Card, give up on your pondering and fall down on your knees. See the tension!? Oh the humanity!

#2 Practicing and Perfecting

04 Tuesday Feb 2014

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I’m not sure how it grabs you, but when I see perfection or even hear the word, I immediately want to mess things up – or run the other way – or stop the progress.   Because surely I’ve achieved a level of mediocrity that I can live with.  Good enough is good enough.  That is truly me.  Can I tell you how many times friends have pointed out to me the Hallmark card or Dove wrapper that says:  “its OK to be flawed and fabulous”  A lot.

So what was I thinking to subtitle my newest adventure: practicing and perfecting walking with Christ? If you ask me, it even sounds a smidge boastful.  Is that the image I want to give people who don’t even know me?  Of course, if you know me, you know my love of mediocrity and the easy road.  You know my family’s motto is to work as fast as you can so you can go out and play.  My husband coined that one for my family of origin.  And it’s true!  Always picking the easy way to do things.  Never needing anything to be perfect – not even close.  And valuing playtime above all things in life.

And practice!?  What’s that?

If it doesn’t come naturally there is no shame in giving up.

It’s not your strength.

Work smarter not harder.

If you can’t do it well, then do it fast.

These are ‘tapes’ that I’ve played in my head for five decades.  I hate practicing as much as I hate perfectionism.   All those piano lessons.  Wasted on one song, Love Story.  I can play Love Story.  That was one expensive song for my mom.  My sister’s one song is Fur Elise.  But  I digress.

So, what’s changed?  Why do I desire to live in such a way that requires practice? And perfection – eventually – and by eventually I mean in heaven.  Perhaps because I’ve realized – some time in the past few years – that the Christian life is hard. That anything worth having is worth fighting for.  That accomplishment, diligence, perseverance and such things are very rewarding. I’m sure Carrie Luke taking up violin lessons in her forties also had something to do with it.  And wanting to emulate friends who rise early in the morning just so they can have alone time with God.  All of that.  But here’s where the main inspiration for adding “perfecting” in the title came from:  C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity:  “What does Jesus mean by ‘Be ye perfect’ (Matt 5:48)?  The only help I will give is help to become perfect.  You may want something less:  But I will give you nothing less.”

#1 What I pray for myself …

01 Saturday Feb 2014

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I don’t normally go on twitter first thing in the morning – but often I check e-mail.  That’s when I saw I had a new follower – I’m up to eight – thank you Catriona.   But once there – you probably know how it goes – you click on things that can render you ineffective and unproductive for a good-morning-God-Time.  However, today was different.  I saw a tweet from Nancy Lee DeMoss telling you what she prays for herself.  It was very good – and it made me want to do my own top ten – which I did – and here it is.  That’s the sort of God-Time I can totally get into!

In reflection, this is what I often pray for — hoping to become:

1.  One of God’s intimates – Years ago I read in Bruce Demarest’s book – Satisfy your Soul –  that God doesn’t have favorites, but he indeed does have intimates – ever since – I’ve asked God if I can be one of his intimates.

2. A Self-Controlled Woman.   This one comes up way too often.  And I find that I often lose the battle.

3.  To represent Christ well.

4.  To practice the ninefold fruits well.  One of my favorite books (After You Believe) of the decade says this:  “Faith, hope, love and the ninefold fruit are things which demand to be practiced, learned, and made habitual together.

5.  The Nearness of God.  I love to feel God’s Spirit.  I don’t want to just know him in my head – I want to feel him in my heart.

6.  His leading.  I often think I’m going in my own strength once I finish my morning God-Time.  Hence, I often close my prayers with “Lead on O King Eternal.”

7.  Make me into the kind of woman You enjoy rejoicing over.  I can’t help but think about that stadium filled with saints – and that verse in Zephaniah (3:17) where the Lord will rejoice over you with singing – and C.S.Lewis’ quote that we are working on becoming everlasting splendors.

8.  Don’t let me be a heretic – and lead anyone astray.  In my current vocation, I have young women who come to me daily for guidance.  And I am not your typical black and white type thinker – I love being “grey” in my thinking and landing on the fence with many issues that are not salvific in nature – “all things to all people” sorta woman – that’s me.  Hence, “Lord, don’t let me be a heretic.”

9.  Help me to love those I have a hard time loving.  This is a biggy for me.  And probably the one I fail at the most.

10.  That I bring Glory to God alone.  Wow  – can I get in the way of this one.  Not that it’s my love language – that would be “time” – but affirmation is so lovely – and wouldn’t it be nice if we only needed the applause of One?

11.  Make me a grateful woman always.  I would have to say that my prayers/conversations with God are more in the gratitude category than the petition category.  I know I am a blessed woman.

12.  Keep me from evil.   How could I forget this one?!  One week later I am adding #12 to my top ten.  Because I just prayed it.  As a child, my mom would do our prayers with us.  This is the one request I remember the most.  I didn’t even know what evil was – and my childlike brain thought “eagle.”  To this day i realize how very much God has answered this prayer.

Ely from 142 ft upSo, with this said – regards my petitions/prayers – thank you Nancy Lee DeMoss for the inspiration – I have one further comment – my prayers are more like conversations – they are very self-absorbed in nature – and filled with gratitude and repentance and begging God to let me be a part of his kingdom advancing activities on earth.

If you are interested in Nancy’s list, here it is for your convenience:  Revive our Hearts.

So, what do your personal, self-indulgent prayers look like?