Monthly Archives: March 2014

#15 The harvest is not automatic

28 Friday Mar 2014

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So if I may continue …

… while I do love being my age – I truly enjoy being with people who are not my age. Older. Younger. It just makes for a richer life. And my days are generally spent with 20-something year olds, and my evenings are filled with my favorite 70-something year old. The wisdom I get daily from my therapist husband is priceless. I especially love it (in a weird sort of way) when I come home and tell him the “advice” I’ve dished out to a hurting young woman and he quickly assures me that the counsel I offered was totally off base.   I often hear: “I can’t believe you said that!” It really is a good thing that love covers a multitude of bad advice.

It is also quite humbling and honoring to be brought into their struggles.

I work at being empathetic and a good listener, however, I know it’s probably not much help to say – “just hang on, it truly will get better if you struggle well.”

But it really is true.

Paul (the apostle) said it well:

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time you will reap a harvest if you do not give up.

I don’t think the “harvest” that Paul is referring to is automatic for any human—at any age. Do you see it? Let US not become weary in doing good! I find it truly sad that most people indeed do become weary in doing what is right and good and do give up. I recently read a book on aging – and his statistics on “finishing well” wasn’t pretty.

Life really is hard.  And, that’s what I think 20-something year olds, in this first world country, haven’t figured out, because I think they were raised in a time when life was easy. Some (surely not all, and I am indeed stereotyping and taking lots of liberties) think its supposed to be easy – having every modern convenience known to mankind. I think often our “first world problems” resemble the likes of a hang nail rather than some debilitating illness – and yet our first world problems of depression, anxiety and discontentment have proven to be truly debilitating.

So, do I have an answer? No.

But I think this Psalm does:

The righteous will flourish like a palm tree, they will grow like a cedar of Lebanon; planted in the house of the Lord, they will flourish in the courts of our God. They will still bear fruit in old age, they will stay fresh and green. (Psalm 92:12-14)

Now that’s life giving.

Here’s a passage that I think sheds light on our current cultural predicament:

Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy?  (Isaiah 55:2)

I do it too!  When I come to the end of a day that has been spent on the frivolous and self-indulgent I plop in bed worn out and totally discouraged.  But at the end of a day that I have practiced self control, there is shear contentment.

Thomas a’Kempis says it this way:

True peace of heart, then, is found in resisting passions, not in satisfying them.  

I think our young, restless, reformed generation has taken our “freedom” in Christ to a whole new level – and that level seems to be producing depressed and anxious humans. We have become Qohelet—he’s the writer of Ecclesiastes—and one totally-depressed-self-indulgent-has-it-all guy.

It really is about clothing yourself with the Lord Jesus Christ. That’s the answer. Romans 13:14 says so:

Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature.

Is that easy to do? Maybe for you. For me it is my daily battle. But, that’s when I need to fall on my face (figuratively of course) and give myself the same advice I doll out so readily: “just hang on, it truly will get better if you struggle well.”

See why I’m looking forward to my 8th decade?

 

#14 Why I like being 50something

24 Monday Mar 2014

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As a child, the only thing I can remember wanting to be when I grew up was an adult. Youth—in my opinion—is way over rated. Every decade has been better than the last. I’m in my 6th and am looking forward to my 7th and can’t wait til my 8th – if I make it that far.

My St. Louis BFF turns a year older than me today. Happy Birthday Share. She’s fit and fabulous and often my inspiration in the health department, but if I were truly her student she would have flunked me years ago.

I’m more like Wendy Wasserstein—who I don’t even know—but I read this yesterday and I identified greatly:

“If you’re me and you turn 50, it’s not like you say, I really miss that figure. I just thought, I am who I am. It’s just fine.”

I wrote this (below) at 53 when Share and I were pondering our age. It has indeed evolved a bit and has now been modified, pondered over, deleted stuff and added to since then:

Why I like being 50something:

– I like that I don’t have to verbalize everything I am thinking and feeling.

– I like decluttering instead of accumulating. There’s nothing in this material world that I want at the moment – or need.

– I like being responsible. Or should I say, being seen as being responsible.

– I like not being responsible for children – not that I had any but it’s nice to have step children who are self-sufficient.

– I like being debt free – and able to afford things like a nice car and a gardener.

– I like learning lessons that hopefully will never ever have to be repeated again.

– I like having lots of memory verses from the Word of God in my head and heart – which took decades to get there.

– I like working more on my mental well being than on my physical well being – (I know, I know, I should truly be working on both!)

– I like being in the harvest reaping phase of life.

– I like having six weeks of vacation time a year.

– I like growing into my vocation.

– I like reaping the contentment that comes from persevering.

– I like seeing God’s protection over the past decades.  What is most fun is seeing how’s he protected me from myself!

– And number one, above all, I like that I am closer to seeing the face of Jesus.

Being 50something indeed has its benefits and I’m thoroughly enjoying taking advantage of them all. Yet, what I also love is to look back over the decades and see the hand of God directing my paths, keeping me safe, helping me to persevere and prospering my feeble efforts. The joy is indeed in the journey – even the hard stuff.

#13 A Day in the Life of a Sinner

20 Thursday Mar 2014

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My day often starts out in my living room with some much needed and very enjoyable God-time. I’ve never been a fan of the term “quiet-time” even though I don’t talk out loud – and I do like it to be quiet except for the occasional non-lyrical song.

I prefer to think of this time as “exercising-my-soul-while-practicing-the presence-of-God” but that’s a bit hard to sum up in a simple phrase like God-time or quiet-time.  And frankly I’m still searching for that just-right-phrase that doesn’t make me sound too sanctimonious for the rest of the world – not that they care – but I digress as usual.

I have a couple practices, during this time, before I culminate the whole process by writing God.  I’d call it praying – but as you may know by now it’s more conversational pondering about life in general and specifics.

Like this …

Holy God, why do I seem to forget your ways as quickly as I do? I hate that about myself – I hate being bogged down in my own head with thoughts that are false – and even if they are true – why should I care?  Why do I need the approval of others?  Is it a natural human tendency that needs to be rooted out daily – one of those besetting sins – that I can never wrap my head around?  

Besetting … hmmmm … [trouble or threaten persistently] – yes – I may not remember what the word means but I definitely have the issue.

So I repent – confess – and ask You to uproot it and destroy it so that I would quit it – I do long for that.  Funny how some sins we love and others we really hate – and I wish I hated all the others as much as I hate this one.  I love you Lord – may I rest in your light and glory and not try and create something in my own mind – but allow You to excite me with your ways – they truly are higher. Amen.

… now to the rest of the day …

rushing to get ready … very low maintenance woman … jump in my car … 45 minute drive to my work place … listening to the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir … music that truly aides in lifting my emotional well-being.

My “aha moment” comes 24 hours later …

It was the next morning when I realized how grand yesterday was – because! … I realized that God had taken my sin (that besetting one) and replaced it with His grace and goodness!  He let me take my eyes off myself – and my need to win everyone’s approval – and put the focus on him and others.  Now that – in my opinion – is truly miraculous.  And extraordinary and not-so-typical-kind-of-day.

And – best of all – incredibly FREEING!

Can I just tell you how free I felt all day?!  My trek home was even more enjoyable than my trek in (and that was listening to XM’s Bridge station).

So, this is what I wrote God just a moment ago:

Oh Lord, yesterday started off so icky – and by the time I arrived to my work place I was high on You – and it was good – to just revel in You – and to forget the world for a while – and to focus on Jesus – and His love and goodness to me – oh how refreshing it was – the whole day – to truly “rise above it” – practicing your presence and reveling in the knowledge of you – thank you for that – restoring my joy to overflowing – I wish I could maintain that level of emotion every day of my life – but somehow I don’t even think it is practical – it takes the struggle and lessons to make me more like Jesus – and often that doesn’t look like a day to feel so positively free – that is what it was – this freeing day.

It reminds me of the verse in Galatians:  It is for freedom that Christ has set us free, stand firm then and do not let yourselves be burdened by a yoke of slavery. (5:1)

Lord, I wish I could bottle the freedom that is found in Christ – it is the greatest freedom in the world – that raising yourself above everything that is inferior.

[back to the reader]

And now you are caught up to my pondering of how and why yesterday was simply glorious.

It reminds me of a favorite quote:

“Raise yourself above everything which is inferior to God Himself, if you want to be what he wants of you – and in doing this you will find peace in your whole being.  If you would act according to the being in which God has created you, your nature would be so noble that there would be no pains which you would shun, it would be so valiant that you could not bear to leave anything undone, but you would reach out for that which is best of all, for that great oneness which is God, knowing that to be your only riches.  And then in mercy you must give your riches to others, and make rich those who are poor, for those who love truly will never fail in their free gifts to those others who wish with all their heart and all their will have surrendered themselves to God’s love. True love has always given what it had to give, always conquered what it had to conquer, always withheld what it had to withhold … That is why you must choose and love God’s will alone in all things.”

Hadewijch of Brabant wrote this in c. 1200 to her son.  I found it in the book In Her Words.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.  I wish you freedom The Endfrom your own besetting sins because …repentance is not just good for the soul, it is positively glorious.

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#12 More on Gratitude …

14 Friday Mar 2014

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for blog 2It’s probably a good thing I wasn’t thinking clearly at 23 – but reflecting back on those early days of a new husband, new God, new town – I do see (now) how God was working all things for his purposes – and the main purpose surely was that I needed to mature greatly in my faith, and learning the language of thankfulness was a valuable lesson in that maturing (yes, I still feel very immature most of the time).  And, of course there was a big plus in those early days – not running from the struggle has its benefits – for I (now) love Tom’s children.

Fast forward 28 years.

The practice of gratitude continues.

In the Spring of 2012, after reading portions of the book One Thousand Gifts, I started my own year long project of listing the things I am thankful for.  What a glorious idea – one that probably should be practiced yearly – and if I never do it again, I am most grateful for that year – March 2012 to March 2013.

Here are some of the things I was grateful for:

The very first one is:  my rescue.  That’s how I see my salvation.  Being rescued – miraculously – from myself and from my choices – it was a true deliverance in many many ways.  And I hope not a day goes by that I don’t thank God for my rescue.

Another is, that sort of personality that can dance in the furnaces of life – I’m drawn to those types – unflappable, other-focused people – so so attractive in my opinion.

And another … feeling the love of God.  I am truly saddened when I hear a woman tell me that she’s never felt the love of God – she knows it but has never felt it.  This is one of my favorite feelings – sensing with all my senses his love.

Another … is being thankful for God’s economy – that economy where everything is redeemable.  Nothing is beyond his grasp.  Nothing is too messy.  Beauty-for-ashes-economy.

Another … the weekly Sabbath – the market day of the soul.   After reading Abraham Heschel’s Sabbath my mindset started to change with notions like … no complaining on the Sabbath, and don’t even think about painting the fence (much less doing it) … no repenting (not sure how biblical that is, but it does sound freeing!) – and we are called the other six days to work on our character – so perhaps we need to leave the Sabbath to a day to truly rest – even from our neurotic, anxiety ridden thoughts.

Another … which seemed to fill pages of my personal thousand … the most loving and gentle man on the earth for a husband.

Now those are the big things – that came up over and over throughout that year of gratitude – but there were other things – large and small – like mentioning BFFs and favorite people … and tacky finger and great quotes … hardwood floors … waking from an anxious dream … walking in the woods with a bunch of kids looking for beautiful things … qualities that God let me possess momentarily like calmnThe Endess, peace, joy, contentment, a sound mind … mentors … many things in nature … good hair days …

Proverbs 15:15 says “a cheerful heart has a continual feast” … it’s true.

#11 Gratitude & The Early Years

06 Thursday Mar 2014

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It wasn’t long after marrying the man of my dreams – that I was a disgruntled weepy mess.  The man I begged God for – the man I thought could satisfy all my emotional needs – the man—if I just had even one night a week—I’d be happy.  Amazing how quickly becoming a disgruntled weepy mess can happen – and for me it was quick.

I married Tom 11 months after our first date – and moved from my beloved town of Atlanta – I think I’m the only one in the world who actually loves that town – and moved to the Midwest town of St. Louis to live with my husband and his three children.  Tommy was 21, just 2 years younger than me, Parks was 17, and Sarah was 13.  And after about 4 days of bliss my new husband went out of town on business for 10 days.  Thirty years later I am still regretting the decision of not going with him.  What was I thinking??

Newly married.

New town.

Could have had an extended honeymoon.

Three step children who were closer in age to me than I was to my husband.

No friends.

It wasn’t long before discontentment and anger took root.

I remember times of picking Tom up at the airport and before we left the parking decks I would insist he read the letter I had written while he was away.  A letter written in total anger.  As I reflect – I cannot remember what I wrote, I just remember the emotion behind the writing.  I was miserable.  I would call my mother who lived over 500 miles away – and cry into the phone.   I was a very young Christian at that time, and wanted very much to do life God’s way – but not sure what that actually looked like.  And listening to my mother assure me that God would never give me more than I could handle – was not so reassuring.  I was definitely not handling life well as a newlywed.

–  Pause – just so you can feel my weepy, angsty self of 30 years ago.

During this time my mother sent me a book by Catherine Marshall, Something More.  She sent me lots of books back then, and I read every one with anticipation and an expectation of some sort of relief.   Something More was a good choice for that time.  I felt I had an empathizer in Catherine.  There was a section in her book about her step-daughter – and it was obvious Catherine struggled in the relationship.

Yay, for an ally.

Comforting, yes.

But that wasn’t what brought me relief.

It was when Catherine wrote about giving thanks to God for the smallest of things – especially those times when you can’t think of ANYTHING to truly be thankful for.  I remember her thanking God for something to do with a mailbox.  Crazy stuff.  Really really small stuff.

Actually, that didn’t bring me relief either.  At least not in that moment of reading her.

So, I began trying this gratitude exercise.

That still didn’t bring relief – yet.

It went something like this – in my nighttime prayers while trying to drift off to sleep … Thank you God that it is quiet at 10:00 at night and Tommy is not playing his bass guitar and the neighbors aren’t complaining at this moment.  Thank you God that Tom is home tonight and not traveling.

I’m pretty sure that even my gratitude had an undercurrent of ingratitude in it.

So on this particular night – drifting off to sleep in a feeble and half-hearted attempt to be thankful for something – anything …

Then it happened …

I woke up giggling in my sleep.

I don’t think I’d giggled in a couple weeks.

But here I was …  giggling … and content, as if the weight of marriage with three stepchildren and two cats in the home (I hate cats)  had dissolved into joy.  Not just contentment but sheer giggling joy.  The End

That night in my sleep and that day prior in my reading of Something More, has been a defining moment in my life – and a lesson that I practice every day of my life – Thanking God in all circumstances.

#10 Little Words / Big Meanings

01 Saturday Mar 2014

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for blog 2There are many words in Christendom—perhaps Christendom being one of them—that Christians say that the rest of the world probably has no clue what is meant by them—Christians included.  Like salvific – my editor (aka STL BFF) insisted I never ever use salvific when I write – yet I went against her prudent recommendation and used it anyway.  Because I like that word, and one of my desires in writing this year is to use words that I don’t normally use every day.  Like behoove & conducive.  I find myself always wanting to use those words but for some reason find it hard to use them without sounding like a prig.  (See what I just did there).

I am going somewhere here.

And here’s where:

I just wrote God this morning, and I said—among other things:

…may I bring glory to you…

In less than two hours from now (I wrote this on Sunday morning, Feb 23) Tom and I will do our last Sunday School class on Relationships.  And I am called up short with asking myself:  What do I mean by bringing glory to God?

So, this is what I’ve come up with:  One word – and its a simple one.

Delight.

Oh now I’ve got two!  Because when I just said simple I even thought of one more simple.

Joy.

So, this morning, when we are with these lovely young adults for a final time, and I say I want to glorify God in what I say, I suppose I am saying that I want to be delight-full and joy-filled.

And, that’s just the beginning.  Bringing God glory—in my mind—also means not bringing glory to myself.  All too often speaking in front of people can be very heady, producing all sorts of emotions.  Emotions like pride.  We all know what comes after pride.  A really big fall.

So added to – I want to bring glory to you, Lord – is also the notion – and not to me – because, for one thing, a prideful human is most unattractive (and that is very opposed to my life motto).  But perhaps more importantly, as my former pastor once said, you can’t convince people you’re great and God is great at the same time.  One of us truly has to diminish, and if we don’t diminish, God is not being brought glory.

So, being a delight … and bringing him delight … and making it not about myself … is a good start.  But! there’s even more to that little, yet powerful prayer…

Bringing God glory – also means – (again, in my opinion) – to reflect him well – and represent him well.  Now there is indeed something very soul-warming and joy-producing when we actually do this.  Something about knowing that you are speaking on behalf of the God of the universe as His ambassador – oh my!  See how heady that can become? – when more than a handful of people are listening with intent?  There is a serious tension in the whole process – because I do think most people – surely me included – if we really were called to speak to hundreds or even thousands – the power would go straight to our heads – and then you know what happens after that … it ain’t pretty.  We’ve seen it many times in this generation.  Oh how the mighty indeed fall.  And surely the problem can include that notion that we are not glorifying God – that some where in all the hype we have taken our eyes off of God and put them on ourselves.  See why this prayer (Lord, may I bring glory to you ALONE!) is so very important?  I hope so.

Now there is a payoff—a fabulous payoff:

We are to glorify God BY enjoying him forever (I stole that).  There is nothing more soul-warming and joy-producing than bringing glory to God by enjoying him. Representing him before others is truly a delightful thing.  What a beautiful thing to recognize that he is delighting in us as we are delighting in him.  Talk about a fabulous reciprocity of mutual delight.

Remember, that according to the Protestant shorter catechism’s very first question & answer:

We humans are put on this earth to glorify God and enjoy him The Endforever (lose paraphrase).

So instead of just knowing that in our minds, it would behoove us all to actually live it out every single solitary day for the rest of our lives.  O that will be glory for me — I mean Him!  See the tension!?  I certainly do!